During my 51 years of usefully creating carbon dioxide, I have been fortunate to avoid major medical problems and hospital stays.
So it was with great hesitation and fear of the unknown that I approached my recent foot surgery for bunion and hammertoe. Not only was it the first time I was seriously scalpeled, but also my first long recovery and rehabilitation period.
It was also my first experience on Vicodin, the drug whose mention immediately conjures up the name “Brett Favre.” Unlike Favre, however, I was unable to throw touchdown passes on the drug. The only thing I could throw ... was up.
For at least six weeks, I will be walking around in a surgical boot. Getting used to this contraption is a major adjustment, but at least I can get around now. The first two post-operative days were spent glued to a couch except for bathroom breaks. But even that lack of mobility was revelatory; I now know what’s it like to be a Minnesota Vikings fan.
Four days after the surgery, I had my first post-operative checkup to change the bandages and make sure the wound was healing properly. Dressing removed, I finally saw my “new” foot for the first time. The multiple stitches and the pin sticking out of one toe didn’t get my attention as much as what appeared to be an entirely new shape.
Instead of the widened Donald Duck-like nightmare it had been morphing into, this actually looked like a foot, almost like I was looking at someone else’s. I stared at it for a few solid minutes trying to take it all in until the new bandages were applied.
After recuperating at home for several days, the time came to return to work. But first, there were a couple of interesting issues for which I had to find solutions.
There was the issue of walking semi-comfortably in the surgical boot. The boot adds well over an inch to your height ... on one side. When I first started walking with it, the sensation was like penguin waddling, or worse, an overserved college student stumbling down State Street.
For ladies, there are fashionable options with heels to wear on their unimpaired foot to even things out. In the post-disco era, there are few of those options for men. The shoe I own that came closest to leveling my gait was a hiking boot. But even that didn’t quite match up, so with every step I took, I counted down the minutes until the inevitable call to the chiropractor.
Plus, going to work in a hiking boot didn’t feel right. So I went into WWRGD mode (“What Would Red Green Do?”). My solution was to duct tape a thick coaster to the heel of one of my dress shoes and then stuff it inside a rubber overshoe. To my shock, it worked.
Red surely would be proud, because the solution to the other problem also involved duct tape. In the first few days after the surgery, my cleanliness ritual consisted of sponge baths and washing my hair in the sink. That’s fine, but I really missed my morning shower.
The problem is that you absolutely cannot get the bandage and dressing wet. But thanks to the miracle of the Internet, there is no question that cannot be answered.
It required a hand towel stuffed into the top of the surgical boot, a plastic grocery bag wrapped and duct taped tight around the boot, and a garbage bag placed over the boot-in-the-bag and duct taped tight around my leg. I was so terrified that it wouldn’t work that double-bagging it was actually my idea. It worked.
So I will be spending my Christmas with the ultimate stocking, a big bulky gray surgical boot. What I really want from Santa is to see it hanging from a mantle next December instead of at the bottom of my left leg.
