(From the Janesville Messenger, 10-19-08)
There is an old joke about service after the sale. The joke goes that a recently deceased soul is given a tour of both Heaven and Hell before deciding where he would like to spend eternity.
When he visits Hell, it looks like a big fun party, much more exciting than the sedate and boring Heaven. He chooses Hell, but when he goes back there, it’s no party at all; it’s eternal suffering. When he protests to Satan and asks why it was different in his previous visit, Satan replies, “Before, you were a prospect. Now, you’re a customer.”
That’s the way I feel right now about several of my experiences with home improvement.
Exhibit number one is Eon, a Canadian company that made the material we used to build our back deck and stairs. Eon makes an interesting polymer product for decks that is advertised as an alternative to wood or composites that resists cracking or splitting. Their product is also backed by a 25-year warranty, and I always feel good about putting 25 years between home improvement projects.
All went well until about two and a half years after the deck was built. We discovered a crack in one of the posts, as well as a couple of decorative parts. Relatively minor stuff, but worth replacing. So I followed the instructions on Eon’s web site and made a claim, which involved sending them digital photos of the damage and a copy of my receipt.
A customer service rep told us that “shortly,” we would be receiving a letter in the mail regarding the status of our claim. Apparently, in Canadian English, “shortly” means “never.” Finally, four months later, I re-contacted Eon to find out the status of my claim. At that point, they sent me a letter denying my claim – not because my claim was without merit but because they are having some sort of dispute with the Big Home Improvement Company that sold me the product.
The letter, a grammatical wonder, refers to their “Warranty Police” (policy?) that states, “This warranty does not cover product that have (sic) not been paid for in full. As (Big Home Improvement Company) has not paid us for this merchandise, we accordingly are not honouring the warranty, as the warranty specifically excludes such coverage.”
As copouts go, this might be one of the better ones. I guess I am supposed to march into the office of Big Home Improvement Company’s CEO and demand that they settle their dispute with Eon. Good plan, Eon; I’m right on it. And I hope the customer service rep is proud that she saved her multimillion-dollar company about $60 worth of replacement parts.
Meaningless warranties seem to be a pattern in the home improvement industry. Not long after I purchased my house, it was re-roofed with a shingle that had one of those 25-year guarantees I like so well. By the time the roof was on its ninth year, the shingles had already deteriorated badly, curling, cracking, and loading up our gutters with muck.
Our roofer told us that the shingle company had stopped manufacturing this particular type of asphalt shingle because they had been failing relatively quickly. This looked like a clear case for exercising our warranty and getting our shingles replaced.
The company’s first response was to offer us about two hundred dollars worth of coupons for new shingles. Having paid almost $10,000 for a roof, this really wasn’t what I had in mind. The offers didn’t get much better from there. From our experience, as well as other stories I read online, it appeared that the company’s tactic was to stall and make lowball offers and hope you gave up. We ended up doing something we hoped we would never have to do – hire a lawyer and threaten to sue.
Getting an attorney woke them up, and we ended up settling the case. Still, it meant having to re-roof for the second time in a decade, and the settlement didn’t even cover half of our cost. In case you are wondering, the only reason the manufacturer’s name is not listed in this article is because it might violate the final settlement we signed. But if you Google the term “shingle failure,” you might be able to figure it out.
Alas, poor customer service in the home improvement industry is not limited to great big faceless companies. The same year that our deck was built, a local contractor poured a new driveway for us. The driveway looked sterling for about six months, until a crack the size of a California fault line developed. When we complained to the contractor, he told us that that was “normal,” but promised that he would come out and take a look at it. Nearly three years later, we still await his visit. If he ever does come by, he’ll see that, besides the cracks, the concrete he poured now has more chinks and pock marks than a teenager’s face – and a teenager would be a decade older than my driveway.
As frustrating as those situations have been, it heightens my appreciation for the folks who do it right. I highly recommend a book by Hal Becker called “Lip Service,” where he chronicles his own personal experiences with really bad – and really good – customer service.
(p.s. After this column appeared, I received a response from Eon apologizing for causing me "distress" and alerting me that the parts were on the way. And they, indeed, have now arrived.)
Friday, October 31, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
A Dose of Unreality
(From the Janesville Messenger, 10-5-08)
When one topic just won’t do, it’s time for another “Short Attention Span” column.
ELVES AND GOBLINS DO LOOK SIMILAR: Halloween may be at the end of this month, but Kohl’s in the Janesville Mall already has a Christmas display in the store. In fact, their display was up in September. I’m assuming there are other stores doing the same. Now that’s scary.
THEY CAME FROM JANESVILLE: You don’t need to rent a scary movie for some good Halloween fright. Just pick a random story on the Janesville Gazette web site, Gazettextra.com, and peruse the reader comments section. Yes, these people are among us...
POLL-TERGEIST: Is it an accident that Election Day is so close to Halloween? This year has already been one big “Trick or Treat.” We were all treated with “Economic Stimulus” checks, but too many of us were tricked by having our house plastered with foreclosure notices.
I’LL HAVE IT ON THE ROCKS: If you are looking for a good place to park your car in Milton, I don’t recommend the rock wall near the Milton College campus.
That is, unless you really enjoy hearing the sound of the underside of your car scraping against rock as the tow truck tries to remove it.
GOOD THING IT’S WALKING DISTANCE: Ironically, this car was parked about 50 yards from CESA #2’s Driver Education fleet.
IT PAYS TO GET THE LEAD OUT: Speaking of autos, it’s been difficult, but high gas prices have forced me to change my leadfoot ways. Since I’ve started slowing down to drive the actual speed limit (ahem), the fuel economy in my car has increased by 1.5 miles per gallon.
UNREALITY SHOW: The National Football League, either by accident or by design, has hit upon the greatest consumer loyalty scheme in the world. It is fantasy football, where sports fans like me have their own “teams” of real players that accumulate points based on their actual game performances and use those points to compete in a league against other teams. Now, instead of just watching the Packers every Sunday, I end up watching several games, even if it’s just to cheer for individual players. Nationwide, fantasy football has become so popular that the TV networks have even tailored their game reporting to include fantasy stats. And speaking of which....
DISTRACTION JACKSON: DeSean Jackson is in my doghouse. Jackson, a wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, is personally responsible for my lone Fantasy Football League defeat.
Three weeks ago, Jackson caught a touchdown pass – he thought. He started celebrating his score before he actually crossed the goal line, dropping the ball at the 1-yard line and nullifying the score. This resulted in my fantasy team losing six sure points in a matchup that I ended up losing by two. Yes, it’s three weeks later and I’m still mad about this.
THE LADIES ARE REVOLTING: In a related development, a new website gaining popularity is called “Women Against Fantasy Sports.” (This is not a joke – womenagainstfantasysports.com.)
RECESSION OBSESSION: Throughout the year, the big debate has raged on: is our economy in a “recession”? Instead of focusing on the word “recession” and its technical definition, can’t we just pick a term we can all agree on, like “Big Flippin’ Mess”?
HAPPY NUDE EAR: Want to get rich? Invent a cream that permanently kills ear hair. Middle-aged men would line up for it.
“KAZAKHSTAN” RHYMES WITH “KICK STAND”: Cyclist Lance Armstrong is coming out of retirement to once again compete in the Tour de France – for a team from Kazakhstan. Lance must have really liked “Borat.”
THIS IS NO WAY TO RAZOR SON: Want to annoy your mother? Grow a horseshoe moustache. I can tell you from experience, it works.
When one topic just won’t do, it’s time for another “Short Attention Span” column.
ELVES AND GOBLINS DO LOOK SIMILAR: Halloween may be at the end of this month, but Kohl’s in the Janesville Mall already has a Christmas display in the store. In fact, their display was up in September. I’m assuming there are other stores doing the same. Now that’s scary.
THEY CAME FROM JANESVILLE: You don’t need to rent a scary movie for some good Halloween fright. Just pick a random story on the Janesville Gazette web site, Gazettextra.com, and peruse the reader comments section. Yes, these people are among us...
POLL-TERGEIST: Is it an accident that Election Day is so close to Halloween? This year has already been one big “Trick or Treat.” We were all treated with “Economic Stimulus” checks, but too many of us were tricked by having our house plastered with foreclosure notices.
I’LL HAVE IT ON THE ROCKS: If you are looking for a good place to park your car in Milton, I don’t recommend the rock wall near the Milton College campus.
That is, unless you really enjoy hearing the sound of the underside of your car scraping against rock as the tow truck tries to remove it. GOOD THING IT’S WALKING DISTANCE: Ironically, this car was parked about 50 yards from CESA #2’s Driver Education fleet.
IT PAYS TO GET THE LEAD OUT: Speaking of autos, it’s been difficult, but high gas prices have forced me to change my leadfoot ways. Since I’ve started slowing down to drive the actual speed limit (ahem), the fuel economy in my car has increased by 1.5 miles per gallon.
UNREALITY SHOW: The National Football League, either by accident or by design, has hit upon the greatest consumer loyalty scheme in the world. It is fantasy football, where sports fans like me have their own “teams” of real players that accumulate points based on their actual game performances and use those points to compete in a league against other teams. Now, instead of just watching the Packers every Sunday, I end up watching several games, even if it’s just to cheer for individual players. Nationwide, fantasy football has become so popular that the TV networks have even tailored their game reporting to include fantasy stats. And speaking of which....
DISTRACTION JACKSON: DeSean Jackson is in my doghouse. Jackson, a wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, is personally responsible for my lone Fantasy Football League defeat.
Three weeks ago, Jackson caught a touchdown pass – he thought. He started celebrating his score before he actually crossed the goal line, dropping the ball at the 1-yard line and nullifying the score. This resulted in my fantasy team losing six sure points in a matchup that I ended up losing by two. Yes, it’s three weeks later and I’m still mad about this.
THE LADIES ARE REVOLTING: In a related development, a new website gaining popularity is called “Women Against Fantasy Sports.” (This is not a joke – womenagainstfantasysports.com.)
RECESSION OBSESSION: Throughout the year, the big debate has raged on: is our economy in a “recession”? Instead of focusing on the word “recession” and its technical definition, can’t we just pick a term we can all agree on, like “Big Flippin’ Mess”?
HAPPY NUDE EAR: Want to get rich? Invent a cream that permanently kills ear hair. Middle-aged men would line up for it.
“KAZAKHSTAN” RHYMES WITH “KICK STAND”: Cyclist Lance Armstrong is coming out of retirement to once again compete in the Tour de France – for a team from Kazakhstan. Lance must have really liked “Borat.”
THIS IS NO WAY TO RAZOR SON: Want to annoy your mother? Grow a horseshoe moustache. I can tell you from experience, it works.
Days of Big Hair and Legwarmers
(From the Janesville Messenger, 9-21-08)
When one topic just won’t do, it’s time for another “Short Attention Span” column.
ISN’T IT IRON-IC: Earlier this month, the Ironman Wisconsin competition was held in Madison, a grueling one-day endurance event that includes a full marathon, a 2.4-mile swim, and a 112-mile bike ride. A few days after the competition, an apparently serious letter to the Wisconsin State Journal suggested that the event be renamed “Ironmen and Womyn” (note the politically correct spelling), or simply, "Ironperson."
I say, why stop there? Let’s also rename the recent Robert Downey Jr. superhero movie “Iron Person.” After all, his metal suit has no, um, gender-revealing features.
And of course, you would have to rename and rewrite “Iron Man,” the iconic 1970 Ozzy Osbourne/Black Sabbath heavy metal song. In fact, here is a sample of the new lyrics: “I am Iron Person/I am gender-free in this new version/I am Iron Person/Politically correct when I’m rehearsin’/I am Iron Person/These rhymes are pretty bad but they will worsen.”
THERE’S NO CYAN IN BASEBALL: In "Field of Dreams," when James Earl Jones gives his speech equating baseball with all that is good about America, I'm all in. When it comes to baseball, I’m a purist. You should wear white at home, gray on the road, and stirrups over your socks. Unfortunately, ugly baseball uniforms are like a bad virus that just won't go away. We’re being revisited by the hideous ghosts of 35 years ago as teams are wearing bright solid-colored jerseys. The worst offenders are the eye-watering red shirts occasionally sported by the Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves, and the blue-and-red pajama tops worn by the Chicago Cubs. Those shirts look like they stepped out of Napoleon Dynamite’s closet.
DE-COMPOSING: At the risk of sounding like my parents circa 1978, here in a nutshell is why I am not a fan of much of today's "new" music. I'm in a store, and Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London" comes on. But when the lyrics start, it's not Zevon singing and it's not his lyrics. The song then goes on to use part of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama," with lyrics that sound like a rewrite of Bob Seger's "Night Moves.” It turns out this song is called "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock and it's the biggest hit of 2008. I don’t mind remakes, but sampling parts of other songs and calling it your own original song? What a rip-off. Songwriting is indeed becoming a lost art.
CHANGING OF THE GUARD: Kid Rock also has the distinction of doing that crappy new National Guard song that they play at movie theaters before the feature film. The previous song done for the Guard by the group 3 Doors Down was terrific; I don't know why they felt the need to change it so quickly.
MAKE UP YOUR MINDSET: Every year, Beloit College comes out with their "Mindset List," which is intended to give those of us with a few years under our belts a snapshot of incoming college freshmen; in this case, those born in 1990. According to the authors, it is not deliberately designed to make the readers feel old, though that is usually the primary result. The list is always pretty good, but this year, I think the college reached a bit. For example, one item is "They never tasted Benefit Cereal with psyllium." Say what? Another is "The Royal New Zealand Navy has never been permitted a daily ration of rum.” Both of those left me scratching my head. Some suggested replacements: "They never traveled from Beloit to Milwaukee on Highway 15" and "Michael Jackson has always resembled a white female."
SHE WOULD PALIN COMPARISON: Since Sarah Palin was nominated for Vice President, my e-mail inbox has received three different photos of the Alaska Governor with her face Photoshopped over a model’s body in various stages of undress. I don’t recall that happening with Geraldine Ferraro.
HERE, PULL MY FINGER: You may have read in this column about my two-week mountain backpacking trek. I didn't know this until I returned, but I spent the entire trip with a broken middle finger. The break occurred before I left on the trip, as I was performing the death-defying feat of playing Frisbee in a park. A month and a half later, my finger is still shaped like a ketchup bottle. At least it gets people’s attention when their driving annoys me.
DAYS OF BIG HAIR AND LEGWARMERS: This month marked the 25-year anniversary of the first date I had with my wife, back when we were students at UW-Whitewater. Some of our favorite old haunts in Whitewater are long gone (RIP Salamone's Pizza) but it's still fun to hang around the town and reminisce. Since I worked weekends as a radio DJ at that time, I looked up the number one hit song in the nation the week we started dating. It was "Maniac," from the movie "Flashdance.” Hmm...maybe Kid Rock isn't so bad.
When one topic just won’t do, it’s time for another “Short Attention Span” column.
ISN’T IT IRON-IC: Earlier this month, the Ironman Wisconsin competition was held in Madison, a grueling one-day endurance event that includes a full marathon, a 2.4-mile swim, and a 112-mile bike ride. A few days after the competition, an apparently serious letter to the Wisconsin State Journal suggested that the event be renamed “Ironmen and Womyn” (note the politically correct spelling), or simply, "Ironperson."
I say, why stop there? Let’s also rename the recent Robert Downey Jr. superhero movie “Iron Person.” After all, his metal suit has no, um, gender-revealing features.
And of course, you would have to rename and rewrite “Iron Man,” the iconic 1970 Ozzy Osbourne/Black Sabbath heavy metal song. In fact, here is a sample of the new lyrics: “I am Iron Person/I am gender-free in this new version/I am Iron Person/Politically correct when I’m rehearsin’/I am Iron Person/These rhymes are pretty bad but they will worsen.”
THERE’S NO CYAN IN BASEBALL: In "Field of Dreams," when James Earl Jones gives his speech equating baseball with all that is good about America, I'm all in. When it comes to baseball, I’m a purist. You should wear white at home, gray on the road, and stirrups over your socks. Unfortunately, ugly baseball uniforms are like a bad virus that just won't go away. We’re being revisited by the hideous ghosts of 35 years ago as teams are wearing bright solid-colored jerseys. The worst offenders are the eye-watering red shirts occasionally sported by the Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves, and the blue-and-red pajama tops worn by the Chicago Cubs. Those shirts look like they stepped out of Napoleon Dynamite’s closet.
DE-COMPOSING: At the risk of sounding like my parents circa 1978, here in a nutshell is why I am not a fan of much of today's "new" music. I'm in a store, and Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London" comes on. But when the lyrics start, it's not Zevon singing and it's not his lyrics. The song then goes on to use part of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama," with lyrics that sound like a rewrite of Bob Seger's "Night Moves.” It turns out this song is called "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock and it's the biggest hit of 2008. I don’t mind remakes, but sampling parts of other songs and calling it your own original song? What a rip-off. Songwriting is indeed becoming a lost art.
CHANGING OF THE GUARD: Kid Rock also has the distinction of doing that crappy new National Guard song that they play at movie theaters before the feature film. The previous song done for the Guard by the group 3 Doors Down was terrific; I don't know why they felt the need to change it so quickly.
MAKE UP YOUR MINDSET: Every year, Beloit College comes out with their "Mindset List," which is intended to give those of us with a few years under our belts a snapshot of incoming college freshmen; in this case, those born in 1990. According to the authors, it is not deliberately designed to make the readers feel old, though that is usually the primary result. The list is always pretty good, but this year, I think the college reached a bit. For example, one item is "They never tasted Benefit Cereal with psyllium." Say what? Another is "The Royal New Zealand Navy has never been permitted a daily ration of rum.” Both of those left me scratching my head. Some suggested replacements: "They never traveled from Beloit to Milwaukee on Highway 15" and "Michael Jackson has always resembled a white female."
SHE WOULD PALIN COMPARISON: Since Sarah Palin was nominated for Vice President, my e-mail inbox has received three different photos of the Alaska Governor with her face Photoshopped over a model’s body in various stages of undress. I don’t recall that happening with Geraldine Ferraro.
HERE, PULL MY FINGER: You may have read in this column about my two-week mountain backpacking trek. I didn't know this until I returned, but I spent the entire trip with a broken middle finger. The break occurred before I left on the trip, as I was performing the death-defying feat of playing Frisbee in a park. A month and a half later, my finger is still shaped like a ketchup bottle. At least it gets people’s attention when their driving annoys me.
DAYS OF BIG HAIR AND LEGWARMERS: This month marked the 25-year anniversary of the first date I had with my wife, back when we were students at UW-Whitewater. Some of our favorite old haunts in Whitewater are long gone (RIP Salamone's Pizza) but it's still fun to hang around the town and reminisce. Since I worked weekends as a radio DJ at that time, I looked up the number one hit song in the nation the week we started dating. It was "Maniac," from the movie "Flashdance.” Hmm...maybe Kid Rock isn't so bad.
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