The Joy of Low Expectations

(From the Janesville Messenger, 5-18-08)

“I expect so little...and boy, do I get it.” - Scott Adams, “Dilbert”

Are low expectations the key to happiness?

Think about it. How many times have you gone to a lightly regarded movie but were pleasantly surprised that it was better than you thought it would be? Or maybe as a student you expected to flunk a test, but were thrilled to come out of it with a passing grade of C.

Some say that low expectations lead to a culture of mediocrity. If you’re talking about your child’s education, for example, that is a valid point.

If you’re talking about your favorite sports team, however, the key to your sanity is to think modestly. Take the Milwaukee Brewers...please.

For a period of about 15 years, the Brewers had been – how do I put this kindly? – a pathetic excuse for a professional baseball team. But at least you knew it, and adjusted your attitude accordingly. When a stiff like Glendon Rusch actually pitched a scoreless inning, it was a wonderful and pleasant surprise. When an automatic out like Henry Blanco managed to stroke a base hit, you were unexpectedly elated. Instead of worrying about the World Series, your hopes were that the Brewers would win as many as they lost. Unfortunately, for 15 years, the team couldn’t even do that.

Now, however, the worm has turned. The Brewers suddenly became a contender in 2007, and even held first place by a commanding margin until a spectacular late season collapse. In the end, they barely escaped with a winning record, their first since 1992.

Watching the Brewers’ big lead fade was painful for their fans. But I contend that the team could have finished with exactly the same record and made their fans ecstatic. How? By starting the season lousy and then putting on a furious and exciting rush at the end. That would have been much more satisfying than the disappointment of seeing a sure postseason appearance – which hasn’t happened in 26 years - slip from their grasp.

So now, fresh off last season’s success, the expectations for the Brewers have changed. You actually watch a game thinking they should win it. Unfortunately, as of this writing, that’s not been happening as often as it should. Even though their record is better than many past Brewers clubs, there have been plenty of disappointments, and it’s led to a widespread outbreak of “angryfanitis.” Mention the name “Eric Gagne,” for example, and your typical Brewer fan will start speaking in a second language – profanity.

But I am pleased to say that I have found a cure. I announced to my son that we were renouncing the Brewers. Instead, we pledged our allegiance to the Washington Nationals, the crummiest baseball team I could think of. The antidote worked immediately. The Nationals, buoyed by our sudden and unexpected support, promptly made us feel great by winning four in a row. And when they went back to losing...well, big deal, they’re supposed to!

With that monkey off our backs, I did a little research to see if others shared my theory on low expectations leading to happiness. And it turns out that it’s not just me that thinks this; it’s the entire country of Denmark.

According to the International Herald Tribune, over the last 30 years, the citizens of Denmark have scored higher than any other Western country on measures of life satisfaction, and scientists have concluded that the country's secret is a culture of low expectations.

"If you're a big guy, you expect to be on the top all the time and you're disappointed when things don't go well," Danish researcher Kaare Christensen said. "But when you're down at the bottom like us, you hang on, you don't expect much, and once in a while you win, and it's that much better."

On surveys, Danes continually report lower expectations for the year to come, compared with most other nations. And "year after year, they are pleasantly surprised to find that not everything is getting more rotten in the state of Denmark," Christensen concludes.

Logically, that leads me to conclude that Danish fans of the Washington Nationals must be the happiest people on earth.

When Job Seekers Go Bad

(From the Janesville Messenger, 5-4-08)

When your job includes hiring people, you get an interesting insight into what people will and won’t do to get a job.

Whenever I have a job opening to fill, I’m amazed at some of the résumés or job applications that I receive. Once, I received a résumé that was handwritten in red ink with all capital letters. It looked like a letter from Son of Sam. I didn’t know whether to save it or give it to the police.

At one time, a lot of people received professional assistance in preparing a résumé. Now that everyone owns a personal computer, people think they can do their own. And this results in a definite mixed bag. Still, with software templates and a multitude of Internet resources at your fingertips, there is just no excuse for submitting a lousy résumé.

If someone submits a poorly done, error-plagued, or unresearched résumé or cover letter, I won’t give that person the time of day. In sales, first impressions and the ability to present yourself professionally are critical. If someone can’t do it decently in the job search process, I’m not confident he will do it in front of customers.

For a recent job opening, I received one résumé from someone that looked promising enough to interview. When I went to call her, I discovered that she had totally neglected to put her contact information anywhere in the résumé or cover letter. No phone number, no address, nothing. I’ll bet she wonders why no one responds to her job inquiries.

Another was an obvious form letter. Worse, the guy forgot to fill in the names on the form: “Dear {HIRING MANAGER}, I would be a positive addition to the {COMPANY NAME} team.” I didn’t check to see if he claimed “mail merge” as a computer skill.

But the ultimate résumé I received was one that should have been subtitled “Based on Actual Events.”

This particular guy called to get an interview, and his pitch on the phone was pretty impressive. He had extensive experience in the market where we were hiring, and he held an MBA. His résumé arrived via e-mail the day before the interview. Among other things, it revealed he had worked at the same company, at the same time, as a friend of mine. So I gave her a call to ask what she could tell me about her former co-worker. The response: “I’ve never heard of the guy.”

She asked what territory he had covered for her company and I told her Rockford. She said, “That was my territory. I’d have known him.”

Now the red flag was flying. So I dug a little deeper into his résumé. It turned out that the work experience most relevant to our position was also greatly embellished. But that was nothing compared to his education.

He earned his MBA from Columbia State University in Metairie, LA. Five minutes on Google revealed that the college and the degree were as phony as a three-dollar bill. The “campus” was nothing more than a post office box in Metairie. You paid a few thousand dollars, mailed them a six-page book report, and voilà! In less than a month, you had your MBA. The owner of the “university,” after making millions on the scam, served jail time for fraud.

It was too late to cancel his interview, so I decided to see how he handled some specific questions. I asked him about his university and mentioned that I had been through Metairie when I was in New Orleans on a Hurricane Katrina rebuilding mission. How had his school fared? Well, he said he personally hadn’t been back since he went to school there (!) but their transcript office had been located right next to Lake Pontchartrain (which he couldn’t pronounce). Because of that, all the records were destroyed by the flood, which explained why he didn’t have any official school transcripts, just copies of copies (!).

I asked him about the territory he covered for the company that also employed my friend. He confirmed that Rockford was a part of it, though the rest of the communities he mentioned were totally different than the list on his résumé. Did he know my friend, who also covered Rockford then? No, he didn’t. “She must not have spent much time working in Rockford,” he said. I couldn’t wait to pass that tidbit along.

I never let on that I knew the guy was a bald-faced liar. One thing he said that was truthful was that he had done business with our company at one time. We looked up his name and company in our records and sure enough, there he was. He failed to mention that he never paid his bill and we wrote him off as “bad debt.”

It gave me great pleasure to e-mail him later that week to let him know we were hiring another candidate. His smug response was priceless. “You must be very
confident in the new guy’s sales record, contacts and connections! Good luck!” I wanted badly to reply that I was also confident in the integrity of the “new guy’s” résumé, but I resisted.

Maybe I’ll just drape some burning pants on the phone line in front of his house.