Days of Big Hair and Legwarmers

(From the Janesville Messenger, 9-21-08)

When one topic just won’t do, it’s time for another “Short Attention Span” column.
ISN’T IT IRON-IC: Earlier this month, the Ironman Wisconsin competition was held in Madison, a grueling one-day endurance event that includes a full marathon, a 2.4-mile swim, and a 112-mile bike ride. A few days after the competition, an apparently serious letter to the Wisconsin State Journal suggested that the event be renamed “Ironmen and Womyn” (note the politically correct spelling), or simply, "Ironperson."
I say, why stop there? Let’s also rename the recent Robert Downey Jr. superhero movie “Iron Person.” After all, his metal suit has no, um, gender-revealing features.
And of course, you would have to rename and rewrite “Iron Man,” the iconic 1970 Ozzy Osbourne/Black Sabbath heavy metal song. In fact, here is a sample of the new lyrics: “I am Iron Person/I am gender-free in this new version/I am Iron Person/Politically correct when I’m rehearsin’/I am Iron Person/These rhymes are pretty bad but they will worsen.”
THERE’S NO CYAN IN BASEBALL: In "Field of Dreams," when James Earl Jones gives his speech equating baseball with all that is good about America, I'm all in. When it comes to baseball, I’m a purist. You should wear white at home, gray on the road, and stirrups over your socks. Unfortunately, ugly baseball uniforms are like a bad virus that just won't go away. We’re being revisited by the hideous ghosts of 35 years ago as teams are wearing bright solid-colored jerseys. The worst offenders are the eye-watering red shirts occasionally sported by the Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves, and the blue-and-red pajama tops worn by the Chicago Cubs. Those shirts look like they stepped out of Napoleon Dynamite’s closet.
DE-COMPOSING: At the risk of sounding like my parents circa 1978, here in a nutshell is why I am not a fan of much of today's "new" music. I'm in a store, and Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London" comes on. But when the lyrics start, it's not Zevon singing and it's not his lyrics. The song then goes on to use part of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama," with lyrics that sound like a rewrite of Bob Seger's "Night Moves.” It turns out this song is called "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock and it's the biggest hit of 2008. I don’t mind remakes, but sampling parts of other songs and calling it your own original song? What a rip-off. Songwriting is indeed becoming a lost art.
CHANGING OF THE GUARD: Kid Rock also has the distinction of doing that crappy new National Guard song that they play at movie theaters before the feature film. The previous song done for the Guard by the group 3 Doors Down was terrific; I don't know why they felt the need to change it so quickly.
MAKE UP YOUR MINDSET: Every year, Beloit College comes out with their "Mindset List," which is intended to give those of us with a few years under our belts a snapshot of incoming college freshmen; in this case, those born in 1990. According to the authors, it is not deliberately designed to make the readers feel old, though that is usually the primary result. The list is always pretty good, but this year, I think the college reached a bit. For example, one item is "They never tasted Benefit Cereal with psyllium." Say what? Another is "The Royal New Zealand Navy has never been permitted a daily ration of rum.” Both of those left me scratching my head. Some suggested replacements: "They never traveled from Beloit to Milwaukee on Highway 15" and "Michael Jackson has always resembled a white female."
SHE WOULD PALIN COMPARISON: Since Sarah Palin was nominated for Vice President, my e-mail inbox has received three different photos of the Alaska Governor with her face Photoshopped over a model’s body in various stages of undress. I don’t recall that happening with Geraldine Ferraro.
HERE, PULL MY FINGER: You may have read in this column about my two-week mountain backpacking trek. I didn't know this until I returned, but I spent the entire trip with a broken middle finger. The break occurred before I left on the trip, as I was performing the death-defying feat of playing Frisbee in a park. A month and a half later, my finger is still shaped like a ketchup bottle. At least it gets people’s attention when their driving annoys me.
DAYS OF BIG HAIR AND LEGWARMERS: This month marked the 25-year anniversary of the first date I had with my wife, back when we were students at UW-Whitewater. Some of our favorite old haunts in Whitewater are long gone (RIP Salamone's Pizza) but it's still fun to hang around the town and reminisce. Since I worked weekends as a radio DJ at that time, I looked up the number one hit song in the nation the week we started dating. It was "Maniac," from the movie "Flashdance.” Hmm...maybe Kid Rock isn't so bad.