When one topic just won’t do, it’s time for another “Short Attention Span” column.
ELVES AND GOBLINS DO LOOK SIMILAR: Halloween may be at the end of this month, but Kohl’s in the Janesville Mall already has a Christmas display in the store. In fact, their display was up in September. I’m assuming there are other stores doing the same. Now that’s scary.
THEY CAME FROM JANESVILLE: You don’t need to rent a scary movie for some good Halloween fright. Just pick a random story on the Janesville Gazette web site, Gazettextra.com, and peruse the reader comments section. Yes, these people are among us...
POLL-TERGEIST: Is it an accident that Election Day is so close to Halloween? This year has already been one big “Trick or Treat.” We were all treated with “Economic Stimulus” checks, but too many of us were tricked by having our house plastered with foreclosure notices.
I’LL HAVE IT ON THE ROCKS: If you are looking for a good place to park your car in Milton, I don’t recommend the rock wall near the Milton College campus.
That is, unless you really enjoy hearing the sound of the underside of your car scraping against rock as the tow truck tries to remove it. GOOD THING IT’S WALKING DISTANCE: Ironically, this car was parked about 50 yards from CESA #2’s Driver Education fleet.
IT PAYS TO GET THE LEAD OUT: Speaking of autos, it’s been difficult, but high gas prices have forced me to change my leadfoot ways. Since I’ve started slowing down to drive the actual speed limit (ahem), the fuel economy in my car has increased by 1.5 miles per gallon.
UNREALITY SHOW: The National Football League, either by accident or by design, has hit upon the greatest consumer loyalty scheme in the world. It is fantasy football, where sports fans like me have their own “teams” of real players that accumulate points based on their actual game performances and use those points to compete in a league against other teams. Now, instead of just watching the Packers every Sunday, I end up watching several games, even if it’s just to cheer for individual players. Nationwide, fantasy football has become so popular that the TV networks have even tailored their game reporting to include fantasy stats. And speaking of which....
DISTRACTION JACKSON: DeSean Jackson is in my doghouse. Jackson, a wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, is personally responsible for my lone Fantasy Football League defeat.
Three weeks ago, Jackson caught a touchdown pass – he thought. He started celebrating his score before he actually crossed the goal line, dropping the ball at the 1-yard line and nullifying the score. This resulted in my fantasy team losing six sure points in a matchup that I ended up losing by two. Yes, it’s three weeks later and I’m still mad about this.
THE LADIES ARE REVOLTING: In a related development, a new website gaining popularity is called “Women Against Fantasy Sports.” (This is not a joke – womenagainstfantasysports.com.)
RECESSION OBSESSION: Throughout the year, the big debate has raged on: is our economy in a “recession”? Instead of focusing on the word “recession” and its technical definition, can’t we just pick a term we can all agree on, like “Big Flippin’ Mess”?
HAPPY NUDE EAR: Want to get rich? Invent a cream that permanently kills ear hair. Middle-aged men would line up for it.
“KAZAKHSTAN” RHYMES WITH “KICK STAND”: Cyclist Lance Armstrong is coming out of retirement to once again compete in the Tour de France – for a team from Kazakhstan. Lance must have really liked “Borat.”
THIS IS NO WAY TO RAZOR SON: Want to annoy your mother? Grow a horseshoe moustache. I can tell you from experience, it works.
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