The Year in Advance

(From the Janesville Messenger, 12-30-07)



A preview of 2008 highlights.....

January:

Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton and Republican Mike Huckabee win the Iowa Caucuses. Immediately after the results are announced, all the other candidates drop out of the race and throw their support to the victors, rendering all of the remaining presidential primaries moot.

Fox Television announces a new game show called “Are You Smarter Than Kellie Pickler?”

February:

The Green Bay Packers upset the New England Patriots 37-31 to win Super Bowl XLII. A tearful Brett Favre announces his retirement on the field during the trophy ceremony.

Descendants of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln sue the federal government for merging their ancestors’ birthdays into one holiday. Attorneys for the plaintiffs demand a return to separate commemorations and punitive damages retroactive to 1732.

March:

March 20 marks the 5th anniversary of the invasion of Iraq by the United States. The US forgets the anniversary, hurting Iraq’s feelings and leading to very awkward dinner conversation. The next day, the United States sends flowers to Iraq’s office with a sincere note of apology.

Major League Baseball Opening Day at Wrigley Field is marred by a new version of the Mitchell Report detailing former announcer Harry Caray’s use of Budweiser laced with Human Growth Hormone. Caray’s descendants claim that the HGH did not enhance his on-air performance, it simply led to progressively larger spectacles.

April:

In a major upset, a write-in campaign results in Janesville’s famed Oasis Cow winning a seat on the Janesville City Council. Representatives for the Cow state that their candidate does not intend to milk the public for more taxes. The losing candidates react with udder contempt. Later, the Council adopts an ordinance prohibiting fiberglass bovines from running for elective office.

Brett Favre refuses to comment on speculation that he is not really retiring, but is in fact returning to the Green Bay Packers for his 18th NFL season.

May:

A young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.

Santa Claus arrives at center court in the Janesville Mall.

June:

Frustrated about the lack of progress in labor negotiations, the Janesville Education Association announces that its teachers will not report to their schools for the next two months.

The longest day of the year occurs when a public hearing on sidewalk projects tops the Janesville City Council agenda.

July:

As the Green Bay Packers report to training camp, Brett Favre announces that “any day now,” he will make a decision about returning to the team for one more season.

The grand champion swine at the Rock County 4-H Fair is spared from his fate at the butcher’s shop when his pen is adorned by a mysterious spider web in which the words “Some Pig” seem to be woven.

August:

7-year-old Tommy Tebbertson is found alive and unharmed after being lost for two days in the unmowed grass of Janesville’s Lustig Park.

Retailers report flat sales during the first three months of the Christmas shopping season, but express confidence that the remaining four months will result in record profits.

September:

In order to accommodate political advertising for the November elections, 10 p.m. newscasts are trimmed to 11 minutes.

The public is urged not to panic when it is announced that scientists now believe the Avian Bird Flu can be transmitted to humans by Africanized Killer Bees.

October:

In their final televised debate before the presidential election, Mike Huckabee wins a narrow victory over Hillary Rodham Clinton by invoking the name of Ronald Reagan 47 times, compared to Mrs. Clinton’s 44 uses of “Bill.”

The latest holiday decorating fad: jack o’lanterns wearing Santa hats.

November:

The next president of the United States will be determined by the Supreme Court after a shocking and unprecedented first-place tie between Libertarian Party candidate Ron Paul and Green Party candidate Al Gore.

Americans take the fourth Thursday of the month off to overeat and watch football, but nobody can quite remember why.

December:

Brett Favre announces that he will make a decision “soon” about returning to the Packers for the remaining three games of the 2008 season.

An official proclamation in the Wisconsin State Legislature renames the large evergreen tree in the capitol rotunda the “December Multi-Cultural Religious and Non-religious Celebrations Tree.”

A columnist for the Janesville Messenger fails in an attempt to write a humorous piece predicting events of the coming year.

Oops. A year early on that last one.