Not-The-Academy-Awards

(From the Janesville Messenger, 2-3-08)

When one topic just won’t do, it’s time for another “Short Attention Span” column. But this time, in honor of the upcoming Academy Awards, we’ll do it Oscar-style.


SIGMUND FREUD AWARD FOR UNCHECKED ID

To the people who misuse the “reader comments” section on the local daily newspaper’s web site. Under the veil of anonymity, some of the comments have gotten so vile and nasty that the paper had to put a list of rules on the site, including - this is not a joke - “Don’t threaten to harm or kill anyone.”
It’s also not a great section to visit if misspellings and poor grammar irritate you.


ANDY WARHOL AWARD FOR BRIEF FAME

To my 80-year-old mother who appeared on national television news, even if it was only for about 15 seconds and her name was spelled wrong. Mom was seen in a brief interview on ABC’s “Good Morning America,” where she gave a glowing review of her newspaper carriers, who have been on the job for 54 years. A friend of mine commented that if the clip lands on YouTube, I’ll have the distinction of having my mother appear on YouTube before me. If I can get the clip, I’ll guarantee that’s the case.


THE ARCHIE BUNKER SEXIST PIG AWARD

This one apparently goes to me. It all sprang out of a conversation with my teenage son, who told me about his lame gym class in which they did...yoga. Yoga? I asked what other units he had in gym class this year. Wrestling? Nope. Football? Nope. Bomberball? Nope. Then it hit me. Are all your classes co-ed? Yep.
Apparently, I was the last person on the planet to realize that single-sex physical education was a thing of the past. I was shocked. I have great memories of my gym classes from junior high and high school, not to mention the tough-as-nails gym teachers we respected and admired. And mind you, as an athlete I was no better than average on my best days.
The consensus of my wife, my closest friend (who is female) and all of their female friends is that I am a sexist pig. Maybe I wouldn’t be one if I had been exposed to co-ed yoga at a young age.
Edith, get me a beer.


THE NOSTRADAMUS AWARD FOR PROGNOSTIFICATION

To football announcer and former player Cris Collinsworth. Prior to the Green Bay Packers-New York Giants NFC Championship game, several football experts were asked to rank Brett Favre among the all-time great quarterbacks. Most had him firmly entrenched in the top five, some as high as number two. But Collinsworth ranked Favre as number 10, saying "I've seen him make mistakes in big games."
One errant pass in overtime later...


THE THOMAS-JEFFERSON-LEFT-OF-GEORGE-WASHINGTON AWARD FOR WORK THAT DOESN’T LAST

To the concrete contractor who put in my driveway and fixed my front steps two years ago.
If you haven’t been to Mount Rushmore, you may not know that Thomas Jefferson’s face was originally sculpted to the left of George Washington. Unfortunately, the rock was unstable and cracked. So they literally blasted Jefferson’s face off the mountain and started over on the right side of George.
Within six months of my new driveway being poured, a long, huge crack developed, and it has been followed by an incredible number of divots. When we complained, the response was, “Too bad.” Now the front steps are disintegrating to the point of needing to be repaired this year. Apparently the term “Satisfaction Guaranteed” in his ad refers to him, not us.


THE THOMAS-JEFFERSON-RIGHT-OF-GEORGE-WASHINGTON “SOLID AS A ROCK” AWARD

To the other concrete contractor we used two years ago, who put in our back patio and back sidewalk. That cement is still perfect. He also correctly predicted that the work the first contractor did to our front steps wouldn’t last.


And finally...

THE MARCIA CLARK AWARD FOR BEST LOSING ARGUMENT

This one also goes to me. On February 17, 2009, all television broadcasting will be converted to a digital signal. If you don’t own a television set with a digital tuner, you’ll either have to buy one or buy a converter box, if your cable or satellite provider doesn’t already provide one.
My television is not digital. In fact, it was purchased on January 8, 1994. I know this because the first show I watched on it was a Packers playoff victory over the Detroit Lions when Favre lofted the winning pass to Sterling Sharpe with less than a minute left.
My wife doesn’t agree that we need a new TV. She doesn’t like to replace things just because they are old and out-of-date.
Which, I guess, explains why I’m still around.