Don't Walk in Janesville

(From the Janesville Messenger, 3-30-08)

You need a permit to do practically everything now. Including, if you live in Janesville, walking down the street.

With Tuesday’s Janesville City Council election almost upon us, it’s been disappointing that one of the more controversial issues being discussed by the city has been virtually ignored by the council candidates.

I’m talking about a proposal to require pedestrians to apply for pedestrian licenses.
These are not unlike driver’s licenses, but they could potentially be required for those who frequent the city’s sidewalks in high-traffic areas like Milton Avenue or Milwaukee Street.

The problem is, quite simply, driver distractions. Distracted drivers are a safety hazard, and one of the things diverting their attention from the road is the appearance of pedestrians along their routes. This is especially a problem in the warm weather months, when personal comfort requires less clothing.

Fortunately, the city has come up with a plan. They would like to regulate the appearance of pedestrians along with the actual amount of time that a pedestrian can be viewed by a driver.
When a pedestrian applies for their license, he or she will be evaluated according to standards developed by the city based on community values and aesthetics. Basically, what it means is that you can’t be too beautiful – or for that matter, too ugly – to distract drivers. You have to be judged “average” both in terms of body mass index and on the Clooney/Berry Scale. The Clooney/Berry Scale is a 1-to-100 point system of beauty where George Clooney and Halle Berry are considered 100 and everyone else is rated according to that standard. If your score falls above or below the “average” range, you may still be allowed a conditional permit if you follow certain clothing requirements that cover up your natural attributes or failings.

Beside the actual appearance of pedestrians, the city is also concerned about the amount of time that you are potentially exposed to them. There are no real studies on the subject, but the city has estimated that a driver is exposed to the average pedestrian for about 10 seconds. Since our natural tendency as drivers is to look over and see if we know the person, the city has judged this amount to be too long. However, if a pedestrian is walking more slowly, the driver will pass them by more quickly and not have the opportunity to stare at them.

So the city has decided that the maximum average allowable exposure is 6 seconds. Thus, citizens with a pedestrian license will also have to follow a speed limit, with fines or a loss of license for repeat offenders. Joggers, you’re out of luck unless you stick to lightly-traveled side streets or the city trail.

The amount of regulation involved, as well as the amount of time the city planning department has devoted to this, is mind-boggling. I, for one, would certainly like to know how the city council candidates in this week’s election feel about it.

If you would like more information on pedestrian permits and licenses, please call the “Let Us Walk” hotline at 608-APRIL-FOOL.